Don't Worry "Be" Happy

At what point do we start thinking about what we want to “be” when we grow up?

I distinctly remember an age when I realized that math was difficult for me. I remember my teacher, Mrs. Harrison staying after class with me to explain roman numerals and staring at the times tables chart over my paper bag lunches trying to memorize a pattern. Putting everything into a song really worked for me and I managed to coast through okay.

This week Abby (7) brought home a drawing illustrating that she wants to be a dentist when she grows up.  When I asked her why she said, “So I can laser my Dad’s teeth if he gets another ache in his mouth.” It’s true her Dad is terrified of dentists and has been his whole life. So Abby is graciously offering to be a dentist to help take care of him. This may actually prove to be good motivation. I guess only time will tell.

I know it's not intentional but the patient looks terrified to me...

When I then asked Izzy (5) what she wants to be she said, “Oh I don’t want to do anything, I’m just going to be a Mom.” I admit to choking on my coffee but I can explain what she meant, I think. There has been great debate about me working outside of the home; they don’t like the idea of me not being here even though they will both be in school.

Since my career is currently in flux, and having just completed college for the second time, I’m currently asking myself what I want to “be” all over again. The question is a daunting one. The truth is, none of us are just one tidy description and maybe it’s less about wanting to “be” something and more about finding out who we already are.

I don’t actually care what my girls decide to do for a career, providing they are happy and healthy and able to provide for themselves. Yes, I subscribe to the same adage my parents repeated and I never actually believed until I became a parent myself, “I just want you to be happy.” Honestly that’s all I want for anyone and everyone, especially my girls. Perhaps that’s a goal we can all work on achieving, even if just for today.

Taking Time

time  tīm/noun

noun: time; plural noun: times

1.

the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately. Not just because it is part of the goal of this blog, but because it was my birthday, my daughters birthday and the anniversary of my Grandfathers passing.

I also recently (with my time in Toronto) had the opportunity to reflect on how the passing of time seems to vary on the company I keep and what I accomplish in one day. I used to measure the success of my day based upon the number of things I managed to complete, or significantly diminish. Not so much anymore. I understand the value of a nap, the merit of a good conversation and the absorption of a good book.

It's Izzy's birthday this month and she couldn't be more excited. Not that long ago she was crying because she thought her birthday would never get here, I think that was two weeks ago. Children's concept of time, especially when they're younger is completely warped. Have you noticed they will say everything happened yesterday - even if it was months ago?

 

Izzy's first steps...feels like it WAS yesterday... 

Time is such an abstract concept it can only be learned by experiencing it. The older I get the more I value it, and the less perplexed I am when an entire day slips away.  And maybe the idea that "everything happened yesterday" is not such a bad theory after all. If the moments we have now create the memories for tomorrow, then a child's' concept of time is a good reminder that the things we remember may seem as if they just happened just yesterday. Be good to one another, especially the little people in your life. They might be remembering you like it was yesterday.

“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Big City - Big Deal?

CN Tower - Toronto's beacon!

I have spent the last week on my own in the big city of Toronto without my girls. So the story I have to report comes from a place of observing other mothers working their way through the city with toddlers and strollers in tow.  I have to admit I didn't think I would miss my little ladies as much as I most certainly did. I thought this new found freedom would empower my perspective - and it did - but there was also the emptiness of not being needed on a 24 hour basis. That's right, the very thing I thought would be the best part of being alone was what had me musing at the complexity of what I used to accomplish in an average day.

I felt like the universe was constantly reminding me of their precious faces by showing me an onslaught of other mothers and their children navigating the city streets. Were there always so many moms pushing strollers down Queen Street West, riding the subway and playing in the park? I don't think I ever noticed the little playgrounds everywhere or the accessibility of a streetcar until this week. 

I guarantee you I never once saw a streetcar moving anywhere what looked like this fast.

It was encouraging to see all the smiling mothers and fathers out with their kids, pounding the concrete in unison. Visits with my city dwelling friends encouraged me on my new path and offered their arms and homes to help me and my kids if we should embark on a life there. I wondered if the city life could be for me and mine sometime in the near future? There are certainly other parents living here and looking quite stylish doing it too! Perhaps it doesn't matter where you live, it's the support of the community and the brevity of each individual that encourages us forward into new avenues. I do know that no matter where I am in life I will always take time to see the sky through the skyscrapers.

Toronto financial district, looking up!

I can't wait to take my ladies into the big city and get their perspective on all there is to look up to. Here is a great on-line discussion about big city vs small town parenting.

 
 

 

The Motherload...

 Recently I took time to watch the very poignant and interesting documentary, The Motherload on CBC Doc Zone. I encourage all mothers and fathers to take a look, I'd be surprised if you didn't find yourself or another mother you loved represented in this piece.

I'll admit I have been wonderfully blessed in that I have been able to be home with both my girls until they were both able to go to school full time, and here in Ontario that means the tender of age of four. Not so for other areas of this fine country. 

However, in two short weeks I will be embarking on the final stage of my Public Relations Diploma and embarking on an internship in Toronto. Since I live almost two hours away from this great city I will be living in Toronto during the week and my Mom will be watching the girls for me. How blessed is that, right? Right? 

Okay, so it's an ideal internship, that suite my previous experience and will hopefully further my career after being a stay at home Mom (with a part time job through some of it) for six years - but I would be lying to you and to myself if I didn't admit the transition is going to be tough.

I'm doing it for my girls, I want to be self-sufficient and I want to continue to grow and use my past career skills in television/film production, so why do I feel so guilty? Because I won't be making their packed lunches or picking them up from school for four weeks? Because I won't have to come home and wrangle a dinner from whatever leftovers are in the fridge? Nope. It's because I've taken this job as a mother very seriously, and given it my all. It's like being promoted away from a team who want you to stay. 

In some small way I am making a choice to step away from those tedious daily routines and embark on something that begins solely within me. Oh, I know all those tasks are still there and will be waiting for me in a months time, but how will I be able to focus on all the wonderful nuances of their hilarious rapture? 

In April I will be able to share what my girls continue to teach me about how to handle change, what to do when routines are different and ways to really tell someone how much you miss them when they are away. I will continue to engage with them as I always have and will have all new stories of my own to share with them.

Parenting: Girls Vs. Boys

 

Sugar and Spice and Everything's Nice. Photograph by Rich Hunt.

Blue is for boys and pink is for girls…right? Society has long debated the answer to this- and many other gendered queries. There is no question that boys and girls are different, and that those differences are just a part of what make each of unique. So is parenting a boy versus a girl a vastly dissimilar experience? Are children of the same sex likely to all have the same attributes? Copious studies have been done on this very idea. 

I won’t claim to have the answers to these questions, but I do have two brothers and friends with boys, and let me tell you, the debate is an interesting one. Attend any mothering group or talk to parents who have one of each and you will hear opinions about how raising a girl is different from raising a boy. Boys tend to be rougher with their toys, girls are cuddlier, boys are rambunctious while girls can sit longer and play quietly. Maybe. But then there’s my Izzy who takes everything apart and loves to play cars, and my nephew Hudson, who cuddles his bear like a baby. Perhaps toys are just toys.

All girls are not ‘sugar and spice’ and all boys are not ‘snails and puppy dog tails.’ In reality, all of us have each of these attributes and appreciation of both is an important part of becoming who we are and will be.  

All I can hope for my girls is that they grow up understanding that they are free to make choices based on their likes and dislikes, their skills and passions. Their gender, while an important and vital part of who they are does not define what their goals are or who they should be.  

Jimmy Kimmel talks to kids about the differences between boys and girls.

 

Creativity... Not Just For Kids

Painting by Abby aged 4

I believe that children are innately creative. Allowing them to express that creativity is absolutely one of the greatest joys of parenting. Whether it is writing, drawing, playing music or dancing - watching kids perform is a wonderful experience. I try to expose my girls to as many different forms of creative expression as possible. Among other benefits, creative play teaches children problem solving skills, fine motor skills and cooperation. 

As we get older we tend to get busy in the daily chores of life and forget about the creative expression that used to give us so much joy. In our ever quest for perfection maybe we give up on ourselves and don't allow for that freedom to be expressed. Think about all of the videos on Youtube of children expressing themselves, without apology, to encourage the rekindling of your own expression. 

This is a song Abby wrote about her love for the earth. May I suggest that this week we all take time to do something creative just for your soul. Here is an excellent article on ways to crank up your creativity. Don't be concerned about its excellence or validity. Maybe the point of it is just to be happy in that moment. If you really feel courageous, share your art with a friend, colleague or relative. Allow yourself to remember that just participating in the exchange of ideas between two people can bring happiness, no matter what your age. 
Remember performing for your parents and how exciting that felt? You are the star of your own show, just as you were when you 6 years old, make it a good day! 

Pictures of Children Crying… Is it Funny?

A Perspective On the Recent Onslaught of Pictures of Children Crying

There is a lot of Internet buzz right featuring the hilarity of children crying and the silly reasons that they are upset. I would be lying if at first I didn’t find the whole concept quite funny. I mean here was something I could totally relate to. However, the whole idea seemed to bother me on a level I couldn’t quite define. The next morning when my own daughter was in a crying puddle on the floor because she couldn’t wear her summer sandals out in the snow, I wasn’t laughing, and taking her photograph to commemorate the fit was not something I wanted to do.

I realized that the things our children cry about might not be a big deal to us as adults, but when you’re three years old that event is crucial to the moment they are living in. Children live 100 per cent in the moment; it is one of the glorious things about being a child. This is a skill that we seek to rediscover as adults.

This week, in the pursuit of learning from my children, I hope to concentrate more on appreciating each moment. We’ve all heard it before, we only really have this second and it is gone as soon as it arrives. So if I find myself feeling upset about something that’s really quite trivial, I think I’ll take a breath to really feel that emotion instead of rushing through to the next task at hand. Hopefully nobody will be around the corner to take my photograph and post it on their blog.

Ideas to Comfort Your Sick Child.... and Yourself

Whenever my girls are sick they like having their temperature taken...

I don' t know about the rest of the mama's out there but I always find that the winter season  arrives with a fresh batch of colds. Like most most moms, I'd rather be sick than watch my children weather a flu. I always wish it could be taken away with a magic mama wand. Since neither of these options are available here are three of my favorite:

•  Cold Air Humidifier - I can't emphasize this one enough, it helps stimulate breathing and it's safe to use as it doesn't heat up.
• An essential oil bath - I like adding 100% pure essential oils and a generous scoop of Epsom salts. Lavender oil, has a calming effect and a Eucalyptus oil  helps clear sinuses. Epsom salts have many benefits including detoxifying the body and increasing the absorption of magnesium. (Here's why magnesium is important)
• Peppermint tea - My girls love tea parties so this one is easy and enjoyable. Peppermint aids in sinus relief and comforts a sore tummy.

I always take time to put fresh sheets on the bed (because who doesn't love that) and have their comfiest pajamas ready to wear. For a runny nose, I find putting a layer of Vaseline between the nose and the upper lip works to prevent redness. We also use old nursing blankets instead of tissues. The blankets are soft, don't seem to cause as much redness and as an environmental benefit are washable. 

Now don't forget to use these remedies on yourself the next time you're not feeling well.

 

Ideally lots of rest is the best remedy for any illness.

Let me know what home remedies you feel work best for you by leaving a comment below.

Valentines Day: What It Means When You're Seven Years Old

40 cute Valentines Day cards signed by my children and packaged for school. Check! 40 tiny allergen free cupcakes purchased at astronomical cost. Check! Super adorable cards made for me by my darlings at school. Check! 

One of the best parts of parenting are the love notes I receive all year long written in their adorable hand-made fonts. At ages seven and four I get to be their main Valentine this February the 14th. Valentines Day is a reminder that as parents, or cousins or aunts we are the greatest loves of their lives right now. I can't help but embrace these moments with utmost joy and appreciation. Soon enough there will be crushes and jealousies and my heart will be filled with their confusions as much as my own. 

At my house Valentines Day is also our cat, Maggie's birthday. She will be 12 this year and the girls have wrapped cat treats for her and are wondering just how she is going to open them.  It's a welcome departure from the calamity of the commercialization of a holiday that isn't really a holiday. I enjoy that this day is a good excuse to tell others how much you care about them, but really we should be doing this all year round. 

Consider including love notes in your loved ones lunch bags, or cars or jacket pockets.Children do this naturally and beautifully. I have the pleasure of finding them all the time. I would like for everyone to make these discoveries whether you have children or not. 

In the meantime, to make Valentines Day extra interesting this year I am considering rubbing catnip all over Maggie’s gifts to see if she will attempt unwrapping them on her own.

Sibling Rivalry

Abby and Izzy play together very well. They will spend hours making up plays, complete with wardrobe changes, songs and piano interludes. However, there are certainly times when their play will escalate into a disagreement. Recently I decided to allow them time to try and work out their arguments. I discovered that they were able work out their differences quickly and creatively without my stepping in with a solution at the first sign of upset.

Last night I overheard this:

Abby: “I WANT TO BE THE MOM!”

Izzy:  “I WANT TO BE THE MOM!”

Abby: “YOU WERE THE MOM LAST TIME. I’M THE MOM OR I’M NOT PLAYING!”

Izzy: “FINE. Play by yourself.”

Abby: “YOU PLAY BY YOURSELF! I’m getting out of here!”

(stomping, silence for about 30 seconds)

Izzy: “Okay, you can be the Mom. But I’m the Nanny, I don’t want to be a Dad because I want to wear the princess dress and be a girl.”

Abby: “Okay, but you have to let me drive the car.”

I am learning that the key to managing these minor battles is knowing when it’s time to help them find a solution and when it's best to let them solve it on their own. My parental attitude and reaction also plays an important role in how they learn to react to each other. Maybe that’s the point, they’re learning how to problem solve, and I'm learning that I don’t always have to take on that role. Perhaps we should all allow more time to just sit back and enjoy the show.

Dealing With Frenemies

 

Abby's first frenemy?

I found this piece of paper in Abby’s backpack this week. I think it’s clear Jillian was not her favourite person that day. It got me to thinking about friendships and relationships and how early they start influencing our lives. I wanted to speak to Abby about the note, and I needed to consider how to address her potential feelings of dislike and maybe anger at a classmate. At first Abby didn’t want to talk about the note. She thought she was going to be in trouble and she felt badly about her feelings towards Jillian. Now I was dealing with another emotion, guilt. I wanted her to know that her feelings are always valid, negative or not, and that expressing them in a non-violent way was actually quite a mature decision.

My experience is that right from preschool children are told that everyone in their class is their friend and I wonder if in some small way this is setting our children up for defeat. Perhaps the sooner our children can begin to understand that sometimes other people don't want to share their space with them the better off they will be. Children are fickle creatures; they can be best friends with someone one day and not want to play with them at all the next. I decided to tell Abby that she didn’t need to be friends with someone who was mean to her, but that that it was important to always be kind. I think this is an important point, and relevant considering all of the bullying issues surrounding our schools right now.  Forcing children to be friends with someone who may not be treating them well denies them their first experiences with reacting to their gut feelings and setting up their own boundaries.

This week I am encouraged to listen to my own internal reactions, to be kind and to allow myself the freedom of expressing those emotions without guilt. 

Here is an article I found of particular interest about strengthening social and emotional competence.

Why I Wanted to Write This Blog

Agreeing to parent is like agreeing to forgo things you didn’t even know you took advantage of before you had kids. Like sitting down, or sleeping, or going to a restaurant for dinner that doesn’t have plastic cups with cartoon drawings on them. It’s also about being jumped on, peed on, barfed on, pinched, squished, stretched, and mauled. Your patience will be tried, you will learn how to say the same thing many times and be ignored. Some days you will wonder how you got to this point. Other days you will embrace each moment with great appreciation and an unfounded love you didn’t know existed.

Of course it’s also agreeing to be randomly hugged, kissed, told you are loved, and appointed leader of your own tribe.  

This blog is about these things and all the ridiculous, wonderful, tiring, lovely, imaginative things I am blessed to experience on a daily basis. I hope to inspire people to really listen to what the children in their lives have to say. Children are here to teach us as much as we are here to guide them. Listen closely they may also remind you of a feeling, or an idea you had forgotten in your busy adult life.

Abby, 5 years old: “I spun around around and around until I fell down and in my mind it was like I was flying.”

Now go spin around somewhere. I bet you haven’t done that in a while.