Dealing With Frenemies

 

Abby's first frenemy?

I found this piece of paper in Abby’s backpack this week. I think it’s clear Jillian was not her favourite person that day. It got me to thinking about friendships and relationships and how early they start influencing our lives. I wanted to speak to Abby about the note, and I needed to consider how to address her potential feelings of dislike and maybe anger at a classmate. At first Abby didn’t want to talk about the note. She thought she was going to be in trouble and she felt badly about her feelings towards Jillian. Now I was dealing with another emotion, guilt. I wanted her to know that her feelings are always valid, negative or not, and that expressing them in a non-violent way was actually quite a mature decision.

My experience is that right from preschool children are told that everyone in their class is their friend and I wonder if in some small way this is setting our children up for defeat. Perhaps the sooner our children can begin to understand that sometimes other people don't want to share their space with them the better off they will be. Children are fickle creatures; they can be best friends with someone one day and not want to play with them at all the next. I decided to tell Abby that she didn’t need to be friends with someone who was mean to her, but that that it was important to always be kind. I think this is an important point, and relevant considering all of the bullying issues surrounding our schools right now.  Forcing children to be friends with someone who may not be treating them well denies them their first experiences with reacting to their gut feelings and setting up their own boundaries.

This week I am encouraged to listen to my own internal reactions, to be kind and to allow myself the freedom of expressing those emotions without guilt. 

Here is an article I found of particular interest about strengthening social and emotional competence.