Dealing With Frenemies

 

Abby's first frenemy?

I found this piece of paper in Abby’s backpack this week. I think it’s clear Jillian was not her favourite person that day. It got me to thinking about friendships and relationships and how early they start influencing our lives. I wanted to speak to Abby about the note, and I needed to consider how to address her potential feelings of dislike and maybe anger at a classmate. At first Abby didn’t want to talk about the note. She thought she was going to be in trouble and she felt badly about her feelings towards Jillian. Now I was dealing with another emotion, guilt. I wanted her to know that her feelings are always valid, negative or not, and that expressing them in a non-violent way was actually quite a mature decision.

My experience is that right from preschool children are told that everyone in their class is their friend and I wonder if in some small way this is setting our children up for defeat. Perhaps the sooner our children can begin to understand that sometimes other people don't want to share their space with them the better off they will be. Children are fickle creatures; they can be best friends with someone one day and not want to play with them at all the next. I decided to tell Abby that she didn’t need to be friends with someone who was mean to her, but that that it was important to always be kind. I think this is an important point, and relevant considering all of the bullying issues surrounding our schools right now.  Forcing children to be friends with someone who may not be treating them well denies them their first experiences with reacting to their gut feelings and setting up their own boundaries.

This week I am encouraged to listen to my own internal reactions, to be kind and to allow myself the freedom of expressing those emotions without guilt. 

Here is an article I found of particular interest about strengthening social and emotional competence.

Why I Wanted to Write This Blog

Agreeing to parent is like agreeing to forgo things you didn’t even know you took advantage of before you had kids. Like sitting down, or sleeping, or going to a restaurant for dinner that doesn’t have plastic cups with cartoon drawings on them. It’s also about being jumped on, peed on, barfed on, pinched, squished, stretched, and mauled. Your patience will be tried, you will learn how to say the same thing many times and be ignored. Some days you will wonder how you got to this point. Other days you will embrace each moment with great appreciation and an unfounded love you didn’t know existed.

Of course it’s also agreeing to be randomly hugged, kissed, told you are loved, and appointed leader of your own tribe.  

This blog is about these things and all the ridiculous, wonderful, tiring, lovely, imaginative things I am blessed to experience on a daily basis. I hope to inspire people to really listen to what the children in their lives have to say. Children are here to teach us as much as we are here to guide them. Listen closely they may also remind you of a feeling, or an idea you had forgotten in your busy adult life.

Abby, 5 years old: “I spun around around and around until I fell down and in my mind it was like I was flying.”

Now go spin around somewhere. I bet you haven’t done that in a while.